Quincy Jones: What do you do as a dying man
when you're already following your dreams?
( music playing )
I do comedy.
And what cancer does
is it changes your perspective of things.
Despite being told he only has one year to live,
our first guest has faced this devastating news
with humor and courage.
Jones: You fight till you have nothing left.
And the chemo will drain you of everything.
It'll make you mentally drained,
emotionally drained, and then you still have to fight.
You were doing a thousand shows a year, is that right?
Jones: I figured I wanted to be great
and it averaged out to three a night,
then you have to keep going even when you don't feel like going.
Wow, that is a lot of shows.
- Mm-hmm. - Ellen DeGeneres: They started a Kickstarter
and now it's over $40,000.
Jones: The comedy community stepped up, like, big-time.
And they show you love when you need it the most.
- DeGeneres: Where is it? - Teragram Ballroom.
You know where the Monty-- well, you wouldn't know,
- but in the city. - Okay. ( laughs )
It took a lot of baby steps to get to this point right here.
HBO is gonna air your special.
- ( crowd cheers, applauds ) - ( laughs )
Jones: Oh! You're lying.
- Are you serious? - Yep.
Jones: Are you-- ( laughs )
There is no cancer when I'm on that stage.
There's only me telling my jokes
and that is the moment I'm in.
We could deal with the cancer before,
we could deal with it after, but on that stage,
I'm cancer-free.
( rhythmic clapping )
( cheering )
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Quincy Jones.
( cheering continues )
Oh, shit, man, thank you.
Thank you, guys.
Oh, my gosh, this is an amazing feeling.
( crowd laughs )
It's an amazing feeling.
It is, man.
( panting ) I feel good.
I'm a little winded from that running, yeah,
but-- but I look good, so it's whatever.
- ( crowd cheers ) - Right? Oh, great. Oh, man.
Oh, man, it is--
let's save the applause, okay?
We got like another hour left, okay?
You know, the reason why we're doing this
is because I had a dream
of making a stand-up special,
and so we set a meager goal of 5,000, all right?
And because of your guys' love and support and the comedy community,
that we blew past that and we went to $50,000.
And that's-- that's a lot.
That's a lot.
Well, but now I feel pressure.
See what I'm saying?
Now I feel pressure and expectations are high
and I feel pressure to die.
It's-- I mean--
it's-- it's just true.
Like, I can't live longer than three years of this shit,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, that's-- that's some real--
I got, like...
You blow past-- that far past your goal,
they expect a great special and a casket.
That's what they expect. That's...
You know, just got to be honest.
Got to address it, you know?
I can't be the Magic Johnson of cancer,
you know what I'm saying? I can't be like that--
I can't be like-- I can't be like,
nigga is like, "Is he really sick?
I don't know. I don't know.
I mean, I understand the HBO special.
I get that, but it's been five years
and I think it's time.
I think it's time."
Woman: Whoo!
So last year I was sick
and I didn't have health insurance,
so I did what everyone else does.
I did WebMD.
I did that-- I did that and I self-diagnosed myself.
I thought it was celiac disease.
That's what it was.
I thought it was celiac disease.
And let me tell you how relieved I am
to find out it was cancer, you know what I'm saying?
I was very relieved.
I can eat regular pasta again?
You fucking kidding me?
Yeah! Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.
I don't think you guys get how difficult it is
to ask for gluten-free items looking the way I look.
I don't think guys get that.
I gotta act like it's a drug deal.
I gotta act like it's a drug deal, like,
"Hey, server, hey, listen, player, hey, man, listen up, man.
What's up, man? Hey, listen, man, you got, um--
you got any gluten-free pasta in the back?
You got any in the back, man?"
He's like, "I'm sorry, sir, did you say gluten-free pasta?"
I was like, "Shut the fuck up. Know what I'm saying?
( muttering )
You can't just say shit.
What's wrong with you? You getting us all pinched.
Nigga, what's wrong with you, man? Shit."
You know, so I got cancer.
I look great, but I go through chemo every three weeks.
I got that shit tomorrow, you know what I'm saying?
This is bittersweet, but tonight,
I'm going to live like a king, you know what I'm saying?
That's just how I'm feeling.
It is what it is. It is what it is.
And, you know, it's like-- going through chemo,
I realize it's the closest thing a man could get
to relating to a woman going through pregnancy.
That's a fact.
I have the same mood swings, the same food cravings,
same "nonsensible" logic that they have
when they go through it.
It's true.
Last chemo, you know what I craved?
I was craving Flamin' Hot Cheetos and eggnog.
You can't get eggnog anywhere, dawg, you know that?
You can't get that shit anywhere.
You can't Amazon Prime that bitch.
Where the fuck does eggnog go?
Where does it go for the other nine months out of the year?
Riddle me that.
We got the same ingredients.
We got egg and nog.
Like, we got all that shit, you feel me?
Like, where...?
You know--
you know, sometimes I get these cravings
and the other day--
I'm almost ashamed of this--
I was craving Tampico.
All the white faces are perplexed.
"What is this beverage he speaks of?
What is Tampico?"
I'm gonna tell you, white people.
Tampico is the only beverage in the world
that leaves you thirstier than what you first started off as.
That's what Tampico is, okay?
That shit is citrus-flavored salt.
You realize that?
You be drinking it, you're like,
"I'm getting thirstier as I finish this shit."
I went to Subway the other day.
I keep it humble, you know what I'm saying?
I'm not gonna flaunt Jimmy Johnson money out here, right?
I'm not gonna do that. I stay in the pocket right here.
Basic. Basic. Subway.
I went to Subway, and I don't know about you guys,
but I smoke weed and I go to Subway for the cookies.
That's why I go there for.
That's-- they're all great cookies.
We can all agree? Okay. All right, cool.
So I get three types of cookies, right?
I get three. Three. You know what I'm saying?
You know what three I get? I'll tell you.
I get white chocolate chip macadamia nut,
I get chocolate chip, I get M&M.
Throw it in the bag.
So we go to the register, cashier was like,
"Can I interest you in anything else?"
I was like, "Like what?
I got everything I need in this bag right here.
What else could I possibly need?"
He's like, "What about Flatizza?"
I was like, "What?
What-- what is a Flatizza?"
He's like, "It's a personal pan pizza."
I was like, "Huh.
But you guys barely make sandwiches correctly,
so why--
why are you trying to make a more complicated dish
in the same amount of space, right?"
Kidding.
I got money, man.
I-- you know, I don't got, like, sitcom money
like some of my friends do, you know what I'm saying?
I'm not-- not like that, but, I mean,
I haven't been to Food 4 Less in a long time,
you know what I'm saying?
If you guys don't know what Food 4 Less is,
you live a life of privilege I don't relate to, okay?
So I'm gonna tell you what the fuck Food 4 Less is, okay?
Let me tell you. You know what Food 4 Less is?
Probably not, but I'm gonna tell you right now.
Food 4 Less is the equivalent of
if a grocery store building could sigh in defeat,
that is what it is.
If you just walk in it, it's like...
( sighs )
"Whatever, bro. Get what the fuck you need, man.
You know what I'm saying?
Just get what you need, man."
The cashiers are all chilling, man.
One of the doors only slides open.
It's really fucking weird. It's really weird.
I figured out how to make genocide work.
Um...
I did. I figured it out.
I got a lot of free time on my hands.
We've been doing genocide wrong all along.
We've been doing it by race and religion, and that's not cool.
The next time we do genocide,
we need to do it by obnoxiousness.
That's what it is. That's what it is.
We need-- yeah, yeah.
We need to round up everyone who's obnoxious,
get rid of them, you know?
You know that white girl who gets too excited for pumpkin spice items, right?
She's gotta go, right?
You know people who dab their pizza with napkins
before they eat?
They gotta go.
Anybody who says the phrase,
"I like their earlier work."
They gotta go.
They-- they oughta...
All right, okay.
Having cancer's cool.
I'm not gonna lie-- dawg, I was on Ellen,
so, really, I'm not complaining.
Having cancer's cool and now it gives me two cards I could play in life,
the race card and the cancer card.
That's what I could play. That's what I could play.
And that's blackjack. ( mutters )
That-- that's 21.
That's how you play. House always wins.
I'm gonna come out and say it,
make some controversial statements during this hour.
But I support gay marriage and that's just how I feel.
I don't really care if you guys clap or not, but I do support gay marriage.
I support gay marriage, you know?
But only if the couple is ugly.
I don't support two attractive people getting married, right,
'cause then the whole world loses a little bit of hope, you know that?
Right?
Who's anti-hope? You anti-hope?
I didn't think so.
Like, when I see ugly gays walking down the street,
I'm like, "You know what?
I like the Macklemore song, too.
You deserve love. Go for it. I support that.
I support it. I'm all about that."
But if I saw, like--
like, if Eva Mendes and Scarlett Johansson came out the closet,
I'd be like, "That's not what God intended at all right there.
That is a sin.
That is a sin."
All right, we in it now.
We flow.
We in it.
We doing it, you know?
I don't like white women.
I don't.
But I'll tell you why I don't like white women
'cause when you take them out to wings,
they never finish all the meat off the bone.
That's-- that's what I get upset about.
They'd-- I mean...
they'd be sitting there, I'm like,
"This bitch better fucking finish it.
This bitch...
All that precious meat going to waste."
You are pretty.
Well, this whole fucking front row is gorgeous people.
Let me ask you a question.
You have social media, I take it, right?
You got Instagram, right?
What girl doesn't, right? You got Instagram?
- Do you take selfies? - Yes.
Yeah? Okay.
What's the most amount of likes
you've ever gotten on the Gram?
What's the most amount of likes you've ever gotten?
A thousand.
- Women: Oh, wow. - Crowd: Whoa!
They looked like real-life whack-a-moles for a second.
Niggas popped up. Niggas popped up like...
"Oh, shit, yeah!
Oh, shit, yeah!
That bitch got hella likes. It's on! Hell, yeah!"
All right, you didn't see what I was looking at.
Now he's like, "Yeah, I believe it.
I believe that shit." A thousand likes?
My fucking God, I wouldn't know what those heights are.
I wouldn't know-- what?
A thousand likes? That's a lot of validation.
Yeah.
That's a lot of validation, yeah.
But that proves it.
That proves it right there.
Social media is made for women, okay? Social media is made for women.
Men, we're not designed to fucking succeed in that world.
You know what I'm saying? That's not-- we just can't do it, right?
Like, if you're a guy and you take a selfie
and you post it on Instagram,
then you need to be dragged out into the street and shot.
That is what-- that's what needs to happen.
That's just how I feel about it.
Men aren't men anymore.
Men aren't men.
Tell that to your grandfather-- you took a selfie, he'd laugh.
He'd laugh right in your fucking face.
"What the fuck is a selfie? A picture of yourself?
You fucking weirdo, get the fuck out of here.
Fuck out of here.
I fought in Vietnam, nigga. You kidding me?
You fucking kidding me?
You're taking selfies?" All right. Mm.
To each his own.
But women get away with murder
on fucking social media, right?
We all know it. All right, here's an example.
If you don't believe me, follow.
A woman could post a picture of an empty bench, right,
and the caption will read,
"Sometimes in life you need to have a seat
and sometimes you need to stand up for yourself."
And that corny shit will get, like, 147 likes.
I can't do that shit.
I don't even know what a fucking thousand likes looks like on Instagram.
I could post a picture of an eagle,
an eagle soaring down,
scooping a salmon out of a stream in its talons
and soaring off into the sunset.
You know how many likes I get, Sarah?
You know how many fucking likes I get? I get eight likes.
Yeah, eight fucking likes.
You know what eight likes lists?
It lists everyone's name who liked that shit.
Everyone's fucking name.
You see exactly-- "Oh, Brent liked that shit, Zach liked that shit.
Oh, what? Oh, he just kept scrolling. He kept scrolling."
No one-- no one liked this.
But it is what it is.
I'm ageist.
I think if you're under 25,
you don't have anything valid
to contribute to society honestly.
I just-- you'll grow up.
You'll get jaded. Don't trip.
You know what I'm saying? Like, it happens.
A lot of you guys are young and white.
I remember when I was young and white. It was good.
Good times, good times.
Right?
Fucking dating.
I see a lot of couples here.
That's cute.
You guys together?
How long you guys been together?
Woman: 21 years.
All right, well, I didn't expect that answer at all.
So congratulations to your fucking love...
but answer correctly next time, okay?
Nah, I'm playing around.
Aw, man.
I want to be in love.
I think I'm ready.
Done everything I need to do.
Fucking retired a jersey in all the game, you know what I'm saying?
I'm good. What else-- what else could I possibly do?
I've done it all. Done it all.
But love is hard. Love is hard.
Love is so hard
that Nicholas Sparks is getting a divorce.
That's how hard love is.
The most romantic nigga of all time,
wrote the fucking "Notebook," he can't hack it?
I'm supposed to fucking try and find love in this world of oysters,
is the fuck I'm supposed to do?
- You believe in true love? - Woman: No.
Well, I guess when you're getting a thousand likes on fucking Instagram,
then, yeah, you have that luxury
of not believing in true love.
I know you guys believe in true love.
You guys are proof. You guys are beautiful together.
I hope to one day have that true love,
but unfortunately in today's society, it's just not possible.
Why? 'Cause we get rid of whole humans with the swipe of a finger.
What if that's your soul mate,
but you don't like that nigga's shirt, you just swipe left.
That's what the fuck you do?
That's it, he's gone. He's gone.
That's it. How the fuck you gonna find true love like that?
We all look at the fucking old couple coming out of Denny's, right?
They just fucking shuffling, right?
He's got his cardigan. Ethel and Bill, right?
They're fucking shuffling along and we look at them,
we're like, "Man, I want that love.
That's love I fucking want."
But we're spoiled.
The Internet spoiled us, you know?
They-- when they started dating,
World War II would jump off right then and there.
You know that? He'd be like, "I wanna take--"
They'd meet at a malt shop or some shit like that
and they'd start dating,
and then he'd get drafted and he'd go fight the Krauts,
you know what I'm saying? He would go do that.
He'd go do that
and then she'd write him a Dear John letter
and he could be like, "Fuck that."
And then he'd come back home, be like, "You're mine. I love you."
She's like, "You're right." And they'd be together and they'd be happy.
But we can't make a long-distance relationship work
from North Hollywood to downtown.
That's what we're supposed to do?
That's-- that's the fuck we're supposed to do?
That's...
Spoiled, man.
We are fucked for love. We are done.
But...
- You believe in true love? - Woman: I hope so.
You hope so? That was a weird answer for sure.
But you believe in it.
I want that movie type love, man.
That's what I want, that true love.
That's what the fuck I'm about, you know?
But I don't think I can get it, you know?
And it's sad sometimes, but I'll be okay.
I'll do the math. I'll break down the numbers for you guys.
There's seven billion people in the world, right?
Seven billion, and half the world believes in religion
and I don't, so now we're down to 3.5.
And that's still a lot, right?
I can still do something, but they're not all straight.
Some of those women are lesbians, God bless them, so--
so 3.5 goes down to one billion.
Agreed, there were a lot of lesbians in that joke.
I'm not gonna lie, but that's the math I did.
Double-check your own fucking math, okay?
Show your work, okay?
They don't speak English
or elementary school Spanish in my case, honestly.
So one billion is down to 500 million.
And they all don't live in LA, right?
They all can't live in LA, right?
So 500 million goes down to one million.
That's still a lot, right?
I could find true love or something, right?
Shoot my shot. I'm gonna hit something, right?
Here's the catch.
I don't have a car.
So one million is down to 12.
It's...
Man: Whoo!
But some of those women are on the bus, okay?
And I don't want them, you know what I'm saying?
I'm trying to sleep my way to the top, you get what I'm saying?
Like, can't be two niggas in Uber.
That's not fucking-- that's not the move, right?
I wish I had opened these waters before I came onstage.
I wish-- that was-- that was no parlor trick.
I was really struggling for a second.
I didn't wanna fucking spill it all over the mic, but whatever.
You like movies?
Yeah?
What type? What's your favorite movie?
Uh, "The Princess Bride."
- I hate that question. - You hate that question?
You want true love, but you can't answer
that question about fucking movies?
See...
You know how I define favorite movies?
Is what-- when you've seen it a million times,
but it comes on cable on Sunday with commercials
and you still watch it.
That's my favorite movie.
And I like-- I like comic book movies.
I ain't gonna lie. You've seen--
I assume everyone has seen "Deadpool," so I like "Deadpool."
But the thing about it is, it's like,
I don't know if you guys noticed this,
but at the end of comic book movies,
they put a trailer for the preview of the next movie.
Right? You ever seen that?
And in the biz, okay,
what I've learned is that those are called stingers.
You know that? Those are called stingers.
Like in "Avengers: Age of Ultron"
where they show the purple nigger at the end,
you know what I'm saying? Like that.
I had no idea what he was or who he did,
but, you know, whatever.
I'm just ready for the next one, you know?
But they only put those in comic book movies
and I feel like they need to put those at the end of all movies,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, they should have put one in "Twelve Years a Slave."
That's what they should've done.
'Cause I don't know what happens next.
Do black people ever get free? I don't know.
Don't know 'cause Hollywood only gives niggas
three types of movies.
We get a slave movie,
a sports movie, and a Madea movie.
That's what we get.
Every s...
A lot of white people aren't laughing.
Let me break it down to you.
Let me make it relatable to you, okay?
Madea movies are to black people
what Ernest movies are to white people.
That's...
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Ah, dating, man.
I don't wanna do it.
I'm good. I got cancer, you know what I'm saying?
So how do you drop that in a fucking OKCupid conversation?
How-- how do you do that shit?
Then we meet up, I have to ask a girl,
"Define long-term relationship."
But then you message a white girl
and you go on a date with her.
And I'm a gentleman. I pay.
We're sitting down to dinner
and I have to ask her what her favorite Wes Anderson movie is, right?
I gotta ask her that, right? You know what I'm saying?
That's a good icebreaker for any white girl--
"What's your favorite Wes And--"
But then I have to hide my disgust
when she says "Royal Tenenbaums," you know what I'm saying?
Like, that's easily the worst one
of the fucking films, right? "Royal Tenenbaums."
And then I have to convince her,
I have to, like, ease her gently hurt feelings.
I have to make her feel better.
I have to tell her, "No, no, no, I do like Wes Anderson films.
He just doesn't use enough minorities for my liking.
We could be awkward, too. You know what I'm saying? Like, I like that."
You know?
But then she responds with,
"Well, what about Danny Glover?"
And I tell her, "Shut up, okay?
Shut up 'cause one nigga every seven movies
is a horrible ratio by any means."
Like, we could...
I saw my ex recently in Trader Joe's--
and I'm just bragging at this point.
I saw her in Trader Joe's, talked,
and we had such a good conversation.
I was like, "Hey, how's it going?"
She's like, "I'm dating. How's it going with you?"
I was like, "I have cancer."
And...
But we had a good conversation and we were just chilling, man.
Conversation was flowing. I had to stop her.
I was like, "Hey, listen, why did we-- why did we break up?
You know? Like, this is going so easily.
Like, why didn't we do this?"
She was like, "If you really wanna know,
we broke up because someone cheated."
I was like, "True.
True.
But someone cheated
because someone didn't make the other person
feel like a king."
And she said, "Kings don't cheat."
And I said, "Have you ever read a history book?
That's all they do, you realize that?
They invade shit and they fuck around.
What the fuck do you expect? I did my job."
All right, okay.
Let me stop.
I don't condone cheating.
It's just not cool.
Well, I'm hot now
and, you know, getting famous, you know?
I'm up there.
You know how famous I wanna be?
I want to be famous enough that my mug shot
ends up on a T-shirt in Hot Topic.
That's how famous I wanna be.
I want to be famous enough that my exes
have a little bit of regret.
- Man: Yeah! - Yeah. Yeah.
Like-- like my ex,
we used to argue all the time.
All the time.
You know what we argued over?
The straw that broke the camel's back?
We argued over celebrity crushes and hall passes.
That's what we did.
You ever did that?
You ever play that game? Yeah, don't.
Yeah, don't do that
if you wanna stay together, right?
See, we were playing a game.
We smoked a little bit, obviously,
and we were playing a game,
and I asked her, I was like, "Okay, well,
if I gave you a hall pass,"
and she's like, "No, no, no, let me ask you first."
I was like, "Well, the therapist said to not interrupt, but okay.
We-- we'll--
we'll let you take my thought.
Go ahead."
And she-- she said,
"If I gave you a hall pass to have sex with any celebrity, who would it be?"
And I yelled out, "Eva Mendes, no condom."
I was so excited to share that with her.
And I asked her-- I asked this motherfucker.
I asked her, I said, "If I gave you a hall pass
to have sex with any celebrity, who would it be?"
And she says, "I don't want to tell you."
I was like, "Sharing, that's what the therapist said.
We got to share."
She's like, "I don't want to tell you.
You're gonna make fun of me for it."
I said, "No, I won't." She's like, "I don't wanna tell you.
You're gonna take it onstage." I was like, "No, I won't."
So after a little more coaxing, she finally said it.
She's like, "If you really wanna know,
I'd have sex with Scott Baio."
And that's when shit got real, you know what I'm saying?
I was like, "Whoa, what the fuck did you just say?
Chachi, that's who the fuck you want to fuck?
That's what's up? All right. Well, okay."
She got mad.
She told me to get out.
So I said, "Fuck you."
I grabbed my bike, I grabbed my iPod,
and I go downstairs and that's when it hits me.
You have to have a car to storm out of an argument.
You can't just pedal off into the night.
That doesn't make your point any more valid.
You got to have an engine. That's the minimum rule.
A moped, even, would work better than just pedaling.
So I'm at the bus stop...
and she pulls up and she's like,
"Get in the car." I was like, "Fuck you.
You told me to get out, so I'm out."
She's like, "Q, the bus doesn't come for another 40 minutes."
I was like...
"You sure?
All right, pop the trunk."
So we dismantled the bike,
we put it in the fucking trunk...
and then we start arguing through the music.
This is how passive- aggressive it became.
Like, she put on Beyoncé's "Irreplaceable"
and starts singing that shit obnoxiously loud.
She'd be like, "To the left, to the left.
I'ma leave your broke ass."
So I let that song play out,
then I put in Eminem's "I'ma Kill You."
What's your name?
- Woman: Amanda. Yeah. - Amanda?
- And your name? - Ashley.
Okay, that's cute. Cute white girl names.
I wish you guys could see what I'm looking at.
These-- these women are-- they're good.
They are good-looking women,
but they don't have a shot with me.
- So... - Crowd: Oh!
Don't do that.
Don't do that because the way women reject men,
we could never fucking do what they do.
We could never fucking do what they do.
Let's say Ashley texts me, right?
And she says, "Hey, Quincy, great set.
Are you going anywhere else tonight?"
And I just stood here
and I just stared at her
and I didn't answer till tomorrow.
Well, that's what it is.
That's the game we live in.
You guys don't believe-- okay, let me give you another example.
You ever seen a girl and a guy together, right,
and you say, "Oh, I didn't want to disrespect your boyfriend,"
but they're not officially together, right?
Have you ever heard her answer?
"Ew, no, Brian?
Brian? That's like a brother to me.
No. No. Oh, my God.
He's just a friend. We've been friends since high school."
And Brian is like, "I would totally fuck you.
I don't know--
I don't know why you act like my dick is inadequate.
I don't know. That's-- it's a great dick."
A guy could never do that to a girl.
You think a guy would ever do that to a girl?
You ever talk to a guy and be like,
"Oh, I don't want to disrespect your lady."
You'd be like, "What, Sarah? Ew, no.
No. No, she's just a friend."
Sarah's like, "It's all good.
I got more niggas in the back. It's all good."
Here is the ultimate way,
'cause women reject men for the most pettiest of reasons.
They're so petty.
Like, let me find someone. You.
Orange shirt. What's your name?
- Woman: Amber. - Amber.
Heather, Amber, Sarah, Amanda, Ashley.
What am I supposed to do with this?
What am I supposed to do with these fucking names right now?
These are stereotypical white girl names right now.
Prototype, magnificent white girl names.
See, women reject men,
and it's like, whoa,
guys can never get away with doing that.
See, women will reject men for--
I can tell you about a dude, I could be like, "Yo, I got the perfect guy for you.
All right?
He's 26.
He has a car,
he has a job,
has a degree, doesn't live with his moms, right?
Doesn't have a roommate, got, you know--
got a decent gig, right, got some ambition," right?
She'd be like, "Oh, that sounds great,
but when's his birthday?"
You know what my problem with the police is?
What if a cop just walked out like, "Yeah, what is it?
What is your problem with the police?
I'm right here, say it to my fucking face."
I'd still do the joke. Still do the joke.
You know what my problem with the cops is?
- Woman: What? - Besides them killing black people,
do you know what my problem with the cops is?
Is that, you know, they're, like,
they're never around when you need them.
You know? Like, they're never--
you know, when you're driving down the freeway late at night
and you see that BMW fly by with the Armenian in it,
and you're like...
"Someone should give that guy a ticket."
Here I am, hands 10 and two,
driving drunk like I'm supposed to,
and then I get--
I get pulled over? What the fuck?
But you know why you get pulled over when you're driving drunk?
You leave your blinker on too long.
You drive three exits, the blinker's still on,
then you do one gradual shift over lane.
Cop's sitting there like, "Oh, it's a sitting duck.
I gotta shoot him."
Would what cops do
be able to be applied to any other job description?
What do you think?
Probably not. Probably not, right?
- What's your name? - Kyle.
Why are you applauding that?
That was just white male privilege being flaunted.
I'm telling this fucking joke-- "Kyle."
"Nigga, I'm talking to her."
- Heather. - Heather?
- Mm-hmm. - All right.
Let's say I hired Heather to do a job, right,
and Heather's never around when I need her, right?
And then Heather doesn't do what her job description says.
Right?
And then Heather killed people.
We'd all agree Heather's not a good barista, right?
But I figured out how black people can stop getting killed by the cops.
I figured it out.
Black people have to carry around small dogs.
That's it.
Oh, you're not-- you're not getting it.
Let me paint the-- let me give you the headline.
Los Angeles-based comedian Quincy Jones, unarmed,
was shot 12 times by LAPD,
eight hitting him, four hitting his Pomeranian poodle.
And then PETA would step in and be like,
"We have got to stop letting these cops kill these anim--
these peop--"
You know, man, I was gonna do that joke
and then crowd surf out of here, but, you know.
Oh...
I thought the pocket was open already, so...
Oh, I was upset.
I only got my finger-- I was like, "They all saw it.
They all saw the finger."
I was sitting here just draped like this.
I was like, "Yeah, all right. Well, let's talk about it.
It's clearly a fresh-ass outfit.
Like, that's all it is."
What do you get scared of?
Okay, listen.
All right, let me--
these are basic questions I'm asking you.
I'm not asking you to do fucking algebra with a hard-on, right?
I'm not asking you to do that shit.
Just fucking answer a question. Yes or no.
It's that easy.
I don't know these niggas. Hey, man. What?
What? You get scared?
What do you get scared of?
Failure.
What type of higher learning-ass answer was that, dawg?
What the fuck is that about?
Failure. The true fear in your...
The true fear in one's heart
is not realizing his true potential.
This guy, oh, you,
you nigga, you were good. That was good.
That was-- seriously, man,
that shit was motivational, all right?
When you graduate high school, you'll learn.
I'm terrified of a white girl crying.
That terrifies me.
'Cause all bad things in history
started off with a white girl crying.
That's how slavery got started.
A white girl went to Africa and was like,
"I want them all."
That's what happened.
That's...
I'm terrified of spiders.
Those motherfuckers are scary, right?
Especially when they crawl up in the back corner, right,
and then they disappear and you think to yourself,
"Oh, shit, I have to move." That ever happen to you?
Right? 'Cause you know they're going for backup, right?
That's what they're doing.
They're like, "We'll get the giant while he's sleeping. Duh!
That's how we get him."
I used to be scared of snoring, you know,
because they say we swallow eight spiders in a lifetime, right?
So I was terrified of snoring.
Then I got to thinking, "Who's sitting there
watching people swallow spiders
and not doing anything to stop them?"
It's kind of fucked-up sadistic if you think about it.
Black people are cool.
Whenever black people get a fair opportunity to perform,
we knock it out the park.
Those are facts.
We knock that shit out the park.
Like sports, that was segregated.
We got tired of seeing white boys run bases and do layups,
so we got in that motherfucker.
We started dunking, took over that shit.
Right?
And then music, that was segregated.
Like, you guys were just listening to Beethoven forever
and then--
and then we came along and we made jazz,
rock, rap, hip-hop, all that.
Politics.
That was a "white boys only" sport
and Obama's killing it right now.
Obama's, like, eight for eight from the fucking field.
The only thing black people haven't gotten a fair opportunity to do--
I really feel like you guys need to open up your heart to it--
is to be slave masters.
Man: Whoo!
I think we'd be really cool at that, too.
You don't think so? No?
You can't picture it?
Can't picture Kyle and Dwight in their L.L.Beans and Clarks
going off to the fucking fields?
You can't think of that shit? Right?
"Skylar, Tyler, get your Sperrys,
get back down to the docks."
"Can't, boss, stubbed my toe."
"Well, take today off, man. Go ahead and recover, man."
We've all been there, right?
I'm not gonna fucking make you do that.
You gotta do double duty.
I didn't know I was old till the NBA season started.
Found myself a fan of San Antonio basketball.
( man groans )
( scoffs ) I was in my 20s, I was like,
"Boo, these niggas is boring."
Now I'm in my 30s, I'm like,
"Good team play. That is what we are here for.
Good fucking team play.
Excellent execution. Use the backboard, Timmy.
That's what it's made for right there, okay?
None of that flash. Ginobili, stop traveling.
Please stop. Stop."
Music sucks nowadays.
Like, it's shitty fucking music.
I grew up in the golden era of fucking rap.
I grew up in the late '80s, early '90s, son,
and I grew up with Tupac's "Keep Ya Head Up" on the radio.
I grew up with Biggie's "Juicy" on the radio.
I grew up with Jay-Z's "Hard Knock Life" on the radio.
I grew up with DMX.
All right, well, he didn't motivate me at all,
but it was a tough sophomore year and he got me through it.
So DMX-- I grew up with DMX, you know what I'm saying?
And now rap music is just verbally abusive.
Just a bunch of mean-spirited niggas
talking shit to me all the time.
That's all it is. I've had it up to here.
I'm good. I'm totally good with it.
Real talk. I can't take it anymore.
I was listening to a mixtape on the way over here,
beat stops, last words are,
"Yeah, you a bitch
if you don't have $100,000 in your bank account."
I was like...
"I work two jobs, bro. What the fuck?
You don't know my life.
Fuck you."
You think any other genre of music does that to their fans?
Huh?
You think Blake Shelton's talking shit
to his fan base like that?
That what you think?
Blake Shelton's like, "Yeah, you a bitch
if you don't have an F-250 pickup truck."
"Whoa, Blake. Blake, calm down. Blake, you need to calm down.
You're about to lose this 'Voice' money if you keep talking like that."
Rappers always talking about how he could take my bitch.
They're always talking about how they can take your chick.
You realize that? Every rapper.
"Don't bring your bitch to the Teragram Ballroom.
I'll take your bitch."
I'll be like, "Please don't.
Please don't take my bitch.
I love her.
We've been together three years
and one of those years was long distance
and that was tough.
You got all that money.
Why don't you get your own bitch, you know?
It's kind of mean-spirited to take someone else's bitch without permission.
Fuck you."
A lot of times, people ask me...
"Hey, man, you gonna change?
You gonna change?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm rich.
I'm rich, you know?
I'm not like Republican 1% rich,
I'm not getting carried away,
but I do have two Patagonia jackets, you know what I'm saying?
I do got those.
I haven't ridden an UberPool in months, that's how rich I am, okay?"
I haven't-- I haven't--
A lot of times people are asking me, they're like,
"Dude, is there a cure for your cancer?"
I'm like, "No, unfortunately."
And they're like, "Do you ever wish there was a cure for your cancer?"
And then I tell them, "I was on Ellen.
I touched white Oprah. You fucking kidding me?
With all these credits I'm getting right now?
I'm good. Keep the cure. Keep the cure.
More Ellen money. I'll take that, though."
Thank you, guys, so much, man.
Thank you, guys, so much.
I appreciate it.
Oh, man. Oh, man.
Thank you, guys, so much.
( music playing )
( chanting ) Quincy! Quincy!
Yeah! Yes!
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoo!
( chanting ) Quincy! Quincy!
( needle scratches record )
( sighs )
Hey, what? I don't know what you guys are doing.
It's not a comic book movie, guys.
There's no stinger. Thanks for watching.